The Day I Lost It, and the Day I Got It Back: Part Two

Yep. That's my Meg. Wearing my scarf as a turban. :)

 Day Five: Friday, Part Two


"Remember where we are now.
Open your eyes,
& take it all in.
Remember where we are now.
This is where your life begins."

 When you're at a Celebration of Life for one of your closest friends, a lot goes through your mind. Mostly, memories.

"Remember when she talked me out of trapping the Signal Mountain team in the stairwell at state?"

There was a table, that had tons of stuff from her room on it. A poster of Audrey Hepburn, Chick-fil-a cups, Starbucks cups, her leopard print trench coat, her Aldo heels....Silver sparkly TOMS that matched both mine and Viv's. Mine were $12 knock-offs, of course. I loved hers, and of course I had to be just like my Meg. I walked by it 4 or 5 times with Viv and Seth, just...Taking in all that was Meaghan. Scarves, boots, heels, and Hepburn. We were going to have Breakfast at Tiffany's on 5th Ave when we went to NYC in October. Just like in the movies.


"Remember when we made that crazy dance-rave video at 4 a.m. at the Marriott?"

After everyone had mulled around for a while, the service started. First off, we sang. "I Can Only Imagine." And I. Lost it. Have you ever cried so hard you couldn't breathe? That your entire body shakes violently with every sob, and you have to hold on to something, anything, to keep from ending up in the floor with your skirt over your head?

I do now.

It took both Vivian and Amanda to hold me up. I just...lost it. I broke down. After 5 days of pushing it to the back of my mind, trying to make myself believe that it wasn't real, that it was all just some sick joke, or a really bad dream...Every emotion I had been suppressing over those five days, and the past 4 years of my life, just came pouring through all at once.

And I couldn't control it. Me. For once in my life, my emotions controlled me. And you know what? That's okay. Everyone has to let go once and a while. And I did. I cried for 8 minutes straight. And it felt amazing.

After the songs were all over, I got it together. No more gut-wrenching sobs, just silent tears. And thats okay too. I let them fall. I let them fall through the service, through the prayer. I clenched onto Viv's arm and we cried together. No one should have to cry alone.

And then came Josh.

"Remember when she sang "My Fair Lady" with us in the conference room?" 

Meaghan's oldest brother came onto the stage, and he gave his speech. But first, he read us a letter. A letter from our coach, Scott, who was currently stuck in the middle of the Caribbean. And it was beautiful. I don't remember a lot of it, just that he missed her more than she knew. And he and Michelle were both so sorry that they couldn't be there. "...The tears are flowing freely now, and I fear that they will never stop. We love you Meg."

As were mine, Scott, as were mine.

Then Josh gave his speech. He talked about how Meg would always beat him up when they were little. "...She had this tactic, you know. When ever she wanted to fight, she would fall back on her back and kick the living daylights outta me! She fought dirty...I never could bring myself to tell the world that my little sister beat me up!" He talked about her love for her family, her love for her friends, her love for God. "She was a student first. To some of you she was Meg, the crazy redhead who wasn't afraid of anything. To others, she was a daughter, a granddaughter. Some, she was a best friend." And then he looked over to me, Hannah, Steph, Abby, Amanda, and Viv. "And to you guys, she was 'Mommy'. And she loved you guys. More than you can imagine." We all lost it here. For those of you who don't know, allow me to explain.

Meg was our rock, in Mock Trial. She was so much more than a coach. She was your best friend, and your worst enemy. You did NOT want to cross this redhead. She did our hair, taught us not only how to give an opening and make your cross witness cry, but she taught you about life too. How to walk in 4" Loubioutins, what color lipstick you should wear, and the best way to get downtown when you get lost and try to drive to Bryan College instead of regional competition. She always used to joke that we were her adoptive daughters, and she was our "Mommy".  And let me tell you. We loved our Mommy.

Part Three is coming soon. Promise.

The Day I Lost It, and the Day I Got It Back: Part One

This is the picture I'm sketching of Meg.

Day Five: Friday, Part One

"Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother.
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and,
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no,
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby."

This was the day Meg was buried. 

10 a.m. I got to the chapel in the cemetery where she was to be buried.  I sat with my team in the front, and I realized I had never heard all of us so quiet. No one was laughing, no one was crying. Not yet anyway. The only thing you could hear was the click of the fan above us, and the occasional coo of a baby.

It was a small chapel. There was plaques all up and down the wall, with names and birthdates followed by death dates all up and down the entire room. And silence. I couldn't help but think about Doctor Who in that moment; how Meg had to explain to me that SILENCE was a monster/alien thingy, not actual silence. She loved Doctor Who. She's the one who introduced me to it...I digress. They'll be a few more posts in this series on Meg, and thats the place for the fluffy fun stuff.

About 15 minutes passed. More people filed in. And then came the casket. Inside that casket was my Meg. I still didn't loose it. Following the casket was her family, inner and outer. Her mom, dad, grandparents. Uncles and aunts, nieces and nephews. Then her brothers. Josh was holding it together, and Seth just looked....Hollow. Empty inside. He made eye contact with me for just a second, and gave a small, sad smile. I didn't loose it. Once they were all filled in and seated, the pastor started talking about Megs life. Her beautiful, wonderful life that had abruptly come to a close. While he was talking, Hannah grabbed my arm. None of us were full out sobbing. This wasn't the time nor the place, so we just silently let the tears flow.

After the pastor was done speaking, friends of Meaghan were asked to leave, as the actual graveside was for family only. So, we all trod outside where we stand around, hug each other, and ask if someone other than yourself is okay. I swear, I was asked that more times than I can count. 60 or so hugs later, my team and I decide that we'll go to Megs favorite restaurant for lunch. Chick-fil-a. I remember when she smuggled an entire large sweet tea from Chick-fil-a into the movie theater when we saw Captain America.

While we were there, it seemed like everything was back to normal. Laughing, joking, smiling. Oblivious to the sadness that had yet to fall.

"So put on your best boys, and I'll wear my pearls.
What I never did is done."

The Week When She Went to Heaven, and the World Cried

"If I die young, bury me in satin.
Lay me down on a, bed of roses.
Sink me in the river, at dawn.
Send me away with the words of a love song."

I suppose its about time that I tell all of you the story of Meaghan.

My Meg was just 20 years old when she died.  Monday, August 29th, 2011, my Meg was just...Gone. My mommy, my closest friend, my sister, my mentor. The story from my point of view is lacking. Nothing in comparison to the P.O.V. that her family is going through. But this is what I know, what I've lived through, the week I've had. 

Day One: Monday. 
A normal day. Hadn't talked with Meg since before she went on vacation. I regret that. But I had been to Mock Trial that night, and expected to see her there. I had even brought my empire outfit to receive her seal of approval. But she wasn't there. Her mom said she was sick, and since she had been out for the past week sick, I guess none of use gave much thought to it. That night, at 1:08 a.m., I got a call from Hannah T. A call that I missed. I missed it because I was stupidly watching the Late Late Show. But Han left me a voicemail. Now if you know me, then you know that I NEVER check my voicemail. But for some reason, that night I decided to (I guess a phone call after midnight can do that to you). And I heard...Oh God, what I heard.... "Hey girl...Meg...Meaghan...um...was feeling sick tonight and they took her to the hospital. But...she...she didn't make it. Meg passed away, Zae. If you have any questions just call me back okay? I just didn't want you to find out on Facebook. I love you." That message is permanently burned into my brain. Her voice was so shaky. I didn't believe it at first. You know how in the movies, they always ask the person to sit down before they give them the bad news? I never got that. But now I do. Because if you don't sit down, you fall down. Hard. You start shaking all over, and your legs just...Give way. Like they aren't there anymore. I'll never forget the first time I said it out loud. I walked downstairs to tell my mom.
"Mom...." I guess my face gave something away.
Silence for about 2 minutes. She didn't say anything.
"Meaghan...Meagan's dead."
I never want to feel that ways again. Openly admitting to yourself and the world something like that, is like accepting it. Taking defeat. And I was NOT ready to give up on hope yet. After explaining that I knew nothing to my mother, I called Hannah back. We only talked for a few minutes, discussing what we both didn't know, and wondering how we were going to get in touch with out Mock Trail coach, Scott, and his wife, Michelle, who were both stuck in the middle of the Caribbean. After hanging up with Han, I can honestly say that all I remember is combing though Facebook for anymore information, and finding none. The rest of the night was a blur.

Day Two: Tuesday.
Nothing really happened that day. We got more information. The medical examiner was performing some tests, none of which were conclusive yet. We found out some more events that had taken place Monday night. Meg was only in pain for a few hours before God called her home. She died en route to the hospital in the back of her family's car. They had stopped at a fire station to try and get help when she stopped breathing. Her dad said that the doctors thought she died of either lymphoma or possible leukemia. They didnt know for sure yet. I had yet to cry by this day, but on my way home from the grocery store, I made the horrendous mistake of turning on the radio. "If I Die Young" was playing, and I lost it. I had to pull over. I was crying too hard to even distinguish the yellow lines and the white ones.

Day Three: Wednesday.
This was the day we finally found out the diagnosis of her death. "She was a victim of a very rapid, all inclusive form of leukemia that overwhelmed her body. It was literally in every part of her including lungs, heart, liver, spleen and even into her bone marrow. We are so blessed that the Lord took her home. But we are also so thankful that since this was not known and undiagnosed, and that she did not have any symptoms, that she was able to live the final days and weeks enjoying life as she always did and that we as a family were able to spend this last summer traveling and enjoying her company. We also have been told that even if we had known and diagnosed this condition in the last month, that it would not have made a difference because the outcome would most probably been the same. God is so good to keep her strong and vibrant these last months so that she could live the remaining time as only Meaghan would have done." We also found out the times and places of her viewing, graveside, and celebration of life this day. Communication was finally made with Scott and Michelle, who wouldn't be able to make it home until the following Sunday. 

"And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom,
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger."

Day Four: Thursday.
The day of Megs viewing. It was surreal, almost. I wore my 4 inch heels she loved, and fought for me to be able to wear them in trial. She had a matching pair. I was immediately greeted upon arrival by Josh, Meg's older brother by just 13 months. He had taken it hard. So many flowers...So much sadness. And so much joy. Megs dad, Pat, has a very strong faith. He loved his little girl so much. He was laughing and telling stories about his beautiful daughter. The love a father has for his daughter is amazing. So different that the love a mother has. Both equal, just different. Theresa...When you hugged her, you could feel her pain. I didn't know such pain could exist. And Seth...Oh Seth. Megs 15 year old brother. They were so close. I'm not entirely sure how he's taken it. He seems like the same old Seth, laughing and joking. But every now and again, you can see a shadow cross over his face. And just for a second, you can see all the pain in the world showing through. I gave him more hugs than anyone in the world that night. I can't take Megs place, nor will I ever try. But I can try and love you as much as she did, though I'll fall sadly short. No one had a heart like Meaghan. No one can love like Meaghan could. I finally walked into the room that held her open casket. She looked so...I cant even describe it. Sad isnt the word, but neither is content. Somewhere in the middle.Like she had a secret that she couldn't tell anyone. And she never got to do so many things...But she's living out her dreams in Heaven right now. I know she is.


"So put on your best boys, and I'll wear my pearls.
What I never did is done."
I can't write anymore tonight. Tomorrow, I'll post about Friday. Its the longest, and will take the most effort.