Revamp

And....its official.

I'm a crazy person.

This. This is what happens when I can't sleep and my brain wont shut up.

Since if I do ANY more English catch-up my brain will explode, I revamp my blog.

I know I mentioned something about moving to Livefyre, but since I'm a cheapskate and spend practically my entire paycheck on shoes or food (notice how I didn't say 'and'. Yeah. I would choose cute shoes over food any day), I don't have the money to spend on a domain name. So I'm stuck here on Blogger, because I cannot for the life of me figure out how Wordpress works...

So here it is. I like it. It doesn't look quite as dark and depressing as it used to, a bit more modern and professional.

I'm going to try to get to the next part of my NYC trip, but Mock Trial started back this week, so I'm not sure when I'm going to have anymore free time.

New York City, Empire Invitational -- Part One

This is the view from the Kings County Court house in Brooklyn. My mommy took it.

Here we are, a month after Empire, and I'm just NOW getting around writing it up. There is SO. MUCH. I'm talking, 6 days worth of amazing-fantastic-ness. We'll take it day by day, yeah?

Wednesday, Day One: The 17 Hour Road Trip

I honestly don't remember a lot from this day.... Most likely because I was so jacked up on Dramamine so I didn't hurl in the back of anyone's car. I remember getting up that morning, at 5 FLIPPING A.M., throwing what I thought was my stuff in my car, and driving over to Scott's house (in the freezing rain, I might add) only to be shuffled into another car, and we were on our way. Thats when I got out my Snuggie, Smartwater (I really dont think it tastes better than regular water, it just hold more), and Dramamine. And I was out like a light.

The first stop was...Well, I have no idea. I vaguely recall it being McDonalds, and still wet and cold, but thats really all. Oh, and I had to pee. I really, REALLY had to go pee.

Back in the car, back to sleep for me. Now, let me just explain something here. I was in the all boys car. Except for Miss Sue, who was driving. I can handle them on a good day. Usually. Well, at least one of them.

But you don't touch my teddy bear and live, buddy. NO. Harvey is sacred. And yes, he is a stuffed panda bear who wears a suit-vest. I know, I have problems. So naturally, when said boy decided he thinks it would be fun to try and grab Harvey out of my arms...He gets smacked around a bit.

What? I blame the drugs.

That's really the last thing I remember until we hit Pennsylvania. And may I just say, I don't know how those people survive. THERE IS NO FOOD WHATSOEVER IN PENNSYLVANIA. Nowhere. Especially up near the Jersey state line, you know, Quakertown?

On that note, did you also know they have buggy parking at Walmart in Quackerville? It was an experience.

After roughly 12 hours of pretty much straight driving, we decide we have to eat, or else we will die. So, we start looking around for ANYTHING except McDonald's, as we've been to three already that day. Now by that time, my drugs had worn off. And I was starving. Really, really starving. I mean, I'd been dead asleep for the entire 12 hours we'd been driving, except for when they managed to drag me out of the car and into a gas station or whatever. At one point, I don't think I even bothered to put on shoes.

Me + Car Sickness Drugs = Hilarity for everyone around me.

Where was I? Oh yes. Food. We got off on EVERY SINGLE EXIT around the state line, and we could not find food. At all. And then, it starts raining. Again. So, you know, more fun.

And FINALLY, 2 feet from the state line, we find this little...I guess you could say town, but that's not the word I would use. And we think, "SURELY, somewhere in this town there's a place to eat."

So we park, get out of the cars, in the rain. Now, let me just say, that when I'm hungry, coming off of sleeping drugs, wet, and cold, I'm not exactly a fun person to be around. I just wanted food and out of the rain. Huddling under Stephanie's umbrella with her, we start out. And we pass by quite a few businesses, a post office, ATM machine or two, and about 16 different dive bars and 3 Irish pubs. But no restaurants. By this point, I couldn't tell who was more irritable, me or Stephy. So we're bringing up the rear, in the pouring rain, mostly completely soaked.

I don't recall the exact details, but I think Michelle finally sent Scott into a campaigning office to ask for directions.

And so finally, we get to this tiny hole-in-the-wall diner. Well, more like a pizza shack. If you've ever been to a city, you'll know what I'm talking about. When you first come in, there's the kitchen and where you pay, with only enough room to squeeze by the counter in a single file line? Think "Pizza My Heart", and then think smaller.

So, we get in, get to a table in the side part of the pizzeria, and sit down. After about 2 seconds of being in the place, you could tell we were almost in Jersey.

"SYLVIA, YA GANNA STAND AROUND AND YACK ALL DAY, OR ARE YA GANNA PICK UP THE ORDERS?"

"ALRIGHT VINNY, I'M COMIN'! DON'T GET YOUR KNICKERS INA BUNCH!"

Add a heavy south-side Jersey accent, subtract EVERY SINGLE "r" sound, and there you have it.

I nearly DIED laughing.

After we wait around for 15 minutes, we finally get our order taken. I don't remember what I got, or if it was any good, but at this point? Food was food. I do, however, remember there being dirt in the water. Yeah. Welcome to New Jersey, where nothing's actually "new".

After that, it was back on the road. Vivian and I switched, so I could sleep. I knew after eating, the boys would be off the wall with energy, and I figured she would be too. So there was the fun car, and the sleeping car.

I bet you can guess which one I was in.

A few hours (okay, 4 or 5 or...I have no idea), I wake up to the stopping car. Apparently, when entering New York, you have to pay a toll. I didn't know this, so I wake up, freaking out that I'd missed the New York skyline. I look outside and see...smog. And industrial buildings. We're still in Jersey. So I make Scott promise to wake me up when we get close. And back to sleep I go.

Now, let me just tell you this. If you've never seen a New York skyline, make sure you put it on your 'To Do Before I Die' list. Because even at midnight, covered in a bit of haze, its amazing.

Then we entered the city. It really is the city that never sleeps. People rushing everywhere, vendors, taxis, sirens. I fell in love.

I am a New Yorker. Every pore, every fiber of my being is a New Yorker. I love the noise. I love the dirt. I love the smell. I love crazy people. I love every single thing about New York. It just makes me, me.

Taxi drivers, yelling, honking, policemen breaking up various fights, neon lights of open signs, everything about it screams "LIVE HERE". But that's another story for another time.

We finally got to the hotel, drug out stuff in, and stood around in the lobby while someone checked us in. You know whats really nice about posh hotels? Airline pilots that stay there. Because they are REALLY cute.

Morning after the great hunt for ice. We suck at taking pictures.

Moving on. After we got checked in, we went up to our rooms. And of COURSE, went on late night adventures hunting for an ice machine that actually works.

Next time, we talk about Day Two. Practice, hotel hallways, and exploring the city.

The Day We Realized Her Love, and Smiled

And here it is.

The final chapter of my segment on Meaghan.

When I say final, I don't mean I'll never talk about it again. I'm sure I'll mention her many, MANY more times through my entire life. And I can pretty much guarantee I'll devote some more posts to this amazing woman.

But for now, I think it's time I let Meg rest.

On August 29th, 2011, Meaghan Rhea Jones passed away. That week, She Went To Heaven, and the World Cried. September 2nd was The Day I Lost It, and The Day I Got It Back. 

Today is October 12th.

Today is the day that I have finally gained acceptance. I dont like it, but I've accepted it.

Today is the day that I realized that even after death, life goes on. Meaghan will always be remembered and loved dearly, but she's in a better place now.

Today is the day, that I smiled.

I smiled at the memories she and I have made. Sure, maybe we don't have as many as most people, but I revel in the fact that I have any at all. So many people's lives weren't touched my Meg. And for that, I am truly sorry.

I smile when I think of her, up there in Heaven, having the time of her everlasting life.

I smile when I think that someday, we all will be with her again.

And I smile when I see someone else remembering her too.

I love you Meghan. Forever, and always.

Suits, Ties, and Road Trips Yet to Come

Its been a month now. A month since Meg, a month since I've written. But it seems like forever.

I meant to write, I really did! I just got really caught up in life, and everything. And by life, I mean chemistry. And by chemistry, I mean Chem 1 is kicking my tush.

Seriously. 

But I wont lie, I did find time to write. Just...not on here. Lately, I've found a new love of my life. No, there shall never be anyone who can take the place of David Tennant or Doctor Who, but let me tell you.

Its a close second. Really close. 

I, of course, and talking about Gabriel Macht and "Suits". I love him. And I will marry him. AND YES, IN MY MIND HE ISNT ALREADY MARRIED WITH KIDS, OKAY????

Creepy stalker moment over, and on we go.

The reason I'm selling you on Suits, is to explain the reason why I haven't been writing on here. I've been busy writing not only in my own novel, but...FanFiction. I finally broke down, and wrote a fanfic.

And, you know, maybe someday, I'll let someone other than my editor (who by the way never sent me back the edits and corrections, just saying) read it. But for now, its personal and private.

In other news, I would just like to take this opportunity to point out, that, in less than two weeks from right this very second, I will be entering NEW. YORK. CITY.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As you can tell, I'm very excited about this. Actually, the English language has yet to invent a word to describe how I'm feeling about this. Though they have come close...Elated, ecstatic, BLOODY BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS WITH JOY, you get the jist.

A twelve hour car ride might just kill me though.

Moving on.


A while back (a good long while, actually), we Mock Trialers held a dance. A homeschool dance.

DUN DUN DUNNNNNN.

Though, you have to give us homeschoolers some credit. Not all of us are backwards and live on farms, and treat women as if they should be sheltered from everything in life.

We are not mormons.

Most of us know how to have fun. A lot of fun. A WHOLE lot of fun, actually.


As you can clearly see.

The dance was a fundraiser of sorts to help us get to New York. And we raised a considerable amount of funds.

The dance was dedicated to Meaghan. Which made it all the more special, because she loved dances. And we loved her.

In closing (yes, I'm wrapping it up, mainly because I haven't written anything this rubbish in a while), I would just like to say thank you for making it this far. Because this post...Well, it sucked.

The Day I Lost It, and the Day I Got It Back: Part Two

Yep. That's my Meg. Wearing my scarf as a turban. :)

 Day Five: Friday, Part Two


"Remember where we are now.
Open your eyes,
& take it all in.
Remember where we are now.
This is where your life begins."

 When you're at a Celebration of Life for one of your closest friends, a lot goes through your mind. Mostly, memories.

"Remember when she talked me out of trapping the Signal Mountain team in the stairwell at state?"

There was a table, that had tons of stuff from her room on it. A poster of Audrey Hepburn, Chick-fil-a cups, Starbucks cups, her leopard print trench coat, her Aldo heels....Silver sparkly TOMS that matched both mine and Viv's. Mine were $12 knock-offs, of course. I loved hers, and of course I had to be just like my Meg. I walked by it 4 or 5 times with Viv and Seth, just...Taking in all that was Meaghan. Scarves, boots, heels, and Hepburn. We were going to have Breakfast at Tiffany's on 5th Ave when we went to NYC in October. Just like in the movies.


"Remember when we made that crazy dance-rave video at 4 a.m. at the Marriott?"

After everyone had mulled around for a while, the service started. First off, we sang. "I Can Only Imagine." And I. Lost it. Have you ever cried so hard you couldn't breathe? That your entire body shakes violently with every sob, and you have to hold on to something, anything, to keep from ending up in the floor with your skirt over your head?

I do now.

It took both Vivian and Amanda to hold me up. I just...lost it. I broke down. After 5 days of pushing it to the back of my mind, trying to make myself believe that it wasn't real, that it was all just some sick joke, or a really bad dream...Every emotion I had been suppressing over those five days, and the past 4 years of my life, just came pouring through all at once.

And I couldn't control it. Me. For once in my life, my emotions controlled me. And you know what? That's okay. Everyone has to let go once and a while. And I did. I cried for 8 minutes straight. And it felt amazing.

After the songs were all over, I got it together. No more gut-wrenching sobs, just silent tears. And thats okay too. I let them fall. I let them fall through the service, through the prayer. I clenched onto Viv's arm and we cried together. No one should have to cry alone.

And then came Josh.

"Remember when she sang "My Fair Lady" with us in the conference room?" 

Meaghan's oldest brother came onto the stage, and he gave his speech. But first, he read us a letter. A letter from our coach, Scott, who was currently stuck in the middle of the Caribbean. And it was beautiful. I don't remember a lot of it, just that he missed her more than she knew. And he and Michelle were both so sorry that they couldn't be there. "...The tears are flowing freely now, and I fear that they will never stop. We love you Meg."

As were mine, Scott, as were mine.

Then Josh gave his speech. He talked about how Meg would always beat him up when they were little. "...She had this tactic, you know. When ever she wanted to fight, she would fall back on her back and kick the living daylights outta me! She fought dirty...I never could bring myself to tell the world that my little sister beat me up!" He talked about her love for her family, her love for her friends, her love for God. "She was a student first. To some of you she was Meg, the crazy redhead who wasn't afraid of anything. To others, she was a daughter, a granddaughter. Some, she was a best friend." And then he looked over to me, Hannah, Steph, Abby, Amanda, and Viv. "And to you guys, she was 'Mommy'. And she loved you guys. More than you can imagine." We all lost it here. For those of you who don't know, allow me to explain.

Meg was our rock, in Mock Trial. She was so much more than a coach. She was your best friend, and your worst enemy. You did NOT want to cross this redhead. She did our hair, taught us not only how to give an opening and make your cross witness cry, but she taught you about life too. How to walk in 4" Loubioutins, what color lipstick you should wear, and the best way to get downtown when you get lost and try to drive to Bryan College instead of regional competition. She always used to joke that we were her adoptive daughters, and she was our "Mommy".  And let me tell you. We loved our Mommy.

Part Three is coming soon. Promise.

The Day I Lost It, and the Day I Got It Back: Part One

This is the picture I'm sketching of Meg.

Day Five: Friday, Part One

"Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother.
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and,
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no,
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby."

This was the day Meg was buried. 

10 a.m. I got to the chapel in the cemetery where she was to be buried.  I sat with my team in the front, and I realized I had never heard all of us so quiet. No one was laughing, no one was crying. Not yet anyway. The only thing you could hear was the click of the fan above us, and the occasional coo of a baby.

It was a small chapel. There was plaques all up and down the wall, with names and birthdates followed by death dates all up and down the entire room. And silence. I couldn't help but think about Doctor Who in that moment; how Meg had to explain to me that SILENCE was a monster/alien thingy, not actual silence. She loved Doctor Who. She's the one who introduced me to it...I digress. They'll be a few more posts in this series on Meg, and thats the place for the fluffy fun stuff.

About 15 minutes passed. More people filed in. And then came the casket. Inside that casket was my Meg. I still didn't loose it. Following the casket was her family, inner and outer. Her mom, dad, grandparents. Uncles and aunts, nieces and nephews. Then her brothers. Josh was holding it together, and Seth just looked....Hollow. Empty inside. He made eye contact with me for just a second, and gave a small, sad smile. I didn't loose it. Once they were all filled in and seated, the pastor started talking about Megs life. Her beautiful, wonderful life that had abruptly come to a close. While he was talking, Hannah grabbed my arm. None of us were full out sobbing. This wasn't the time nor the place, so we just silently let the tears flow.

After the pastor was done speaking, friends of Meaghan were asked to leave, as the actual graveside was for family only. So, we all trod outside where we stand around, hug each other, and ask if someone other than yourself is okay. I swear, I was asked that more times than I can count. 60 or so hugs later, my team and I decide that we'll go to Megs favorite restaurant for lunch. Chick-fil-a. I remember when she smuggled an entire large sweet tea from Chick-fil-a into the movie theater when we saw Captain America.

While we were there, it seemed like everything was back to normal. Laughing, joking, smiling. Oblivious to the sadness that had yet to fall.

"So put on your best boys, and I'll wear my pearls.
What I never did is done."

The Week When She Went to Heaven, and the World Cried

"If I die young, bury me in satin.
Lay me down on a, bed of roses.
Sink me in the river, at dawn.
Send me away with the words of a love song."

I suppose its about time that I tell all of you the story of Meaghan.

My Meg was just 20 years old when she died.  Monday, August 29th, 2011, my Meg was just...Gone. My mommy, my closest friend, my sister, my mentor. The story from my point of view is lacking. Nothing in comparison to the P.O.V. that her family is going through. But this is what I know, what I've lived through, the week I've had. 

Day One: Monday. 
A normal day. Hadn't talked with Meg since before she went on vacation. I regret that. But I had been to Mock Trial that night, and expected to see her there. I had even brought my empire outfit to receive her seal of approval. But she wasn't there. Her mom said she was sick, and since she had been out for the past week sick, I guess none of use gave much thought to it. That night, at 1:08 a.m., I got a call from Hannah T. A call that I missed. I missed it because I was stupidly watching the Late Late Show. But Han left me a voicemail. Now if you know me, then you know that I NEVER check my voicemail. But for some reason, that night I decided to (I guess a phone call after midnight can do that to you). And I heard...Oh God, what I heard.... "Hey girl...Meg...Meaghan...um...was feeling sick tonight and they took her to the hospital. But...she...she didn't make it. Meg passed away, Zae. If you have any questions just call me back okay? I just didn't want you to find out on Facebook. I love you." That message is permanently burned into my brain. Her voice was so shaky. I didn't believe it at first. You know how in the movies, they always ask the person to sit down before they give them the bad news? I never got that. But now I do. Because if you don't sit down, you fall down. Hard. You start shaking all over, and your legs just...Give way. Like they aren't there anymore. I'll never forget the first time I said it out loud. I walked downstairs to tell my mom.
"Mom...." I guess my face gave something away.
Silence for about 2 minutes. She didn't say anything.
"Meaghan...Meagan's dead."
I never want to feel that ways again. Openly admitting to yourself and the world something like that, is like accepting it. Taking defeat. And I was NOT ready to give up on hope yet. After explaining that I knew nothing to my mother, I called Hannah back. We only talked for a few minutes, discussing what we both didn't know, and wondering how we were going to get in touch with out Mock Trail coach, Scott, and his wife, Michelle, who were both stuck in the middle of the Caribbean. After hanging up with Han, I can honestly say that all I remember is combing though Facebook for anymore information, and finding none. The rest of the night was a blur.

Day Two: Tuesday.
Nothing really happened that day. We got more information. The medical examiner was performing some tests, none of which were conclusive yet. We found out some more events that had taken place Monday night. Meg was only in pain for a few hours before God called her home. She died en route to the hospital in the back of her family's car. They had stopped at a fire station to try and get help when she stopped breathing. Her dad said that the doctors thought she died of either lymphoma or possible leukemia. They didnt know for sure yet. I had yet to cry by this day, but on my way home from the grocery store, I made the horrendous mistake of turning on the radio. "If I Die Young" was playing, and I lost it. I had to pull over. I was crying too hard to even distinguish the yellow lines and the white ones.

Day Three: Wednesday.
This was the day we finally found out the diagnosis of her death. "She was a victim of a very rapid, all inclusive form of leukemia that overwhelmed her body. It was literally in every part of her including lungs, heart, liver, spleen and even into her bone marrow. We are so blessed that the Lord took her home. But we are also so thankful that since this was not known and undiagnosed, and that she did not have any symptoms, that she was able to live the final days and weeks enjoying life as she always did and that we as a family were able to spend this last summer traveling and enjoying her company. We also have been told that even if we had known and diagnosed this condition in the last month, that it would not have made a difference because the outcome would most probably been the same. God is so good to keep her strong and vibrant these last months so that she could live the remaining time as only Meaghan would have done." We also found out the times and places of her viewing, graveside, and celebration of life this day. Communication was finally made with Scott and Michelle, who wouldn't be able to make it home until the following Sunday. 

"And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom,
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger."

Day Four: Thursday.
The day of Megs viewing. It was surreal, almost. I wore my 4 inch heels she loved, and fought for me to be able to wear them in trial. She had a matching pair. I was immediately greeted upon arrival by Josh, Meg's older brother by just 13 months. He had taken it hard. So many flowers...So much sadness. And so much joy. Megs dad, Pat, has a very strong faith. He loved his little girl so much. He was laughing and telling stories about his beautiful daughter. The love a father has for his daughter is amazing. So different that the love a mother has. Both equal, just different. Theresa...When you hugged her, you could feel her pain. I didn't know such pain could exist. And Seth...Oh Seth. Megs 15 year old brother. They were so close. I'm not entirely sure how he's taken it. He seems like the same old Seth, laughing and joking. But every now and again, you can see a shadow cross over his face. And just for a second, you can see all the pain in the world showing through. I gave him more hugs than anyone in the world that night. I can't take Megs place, nor will I ever try. But I can try and love you as much as she did, though I'll fall sadly short. No one had a heart like Meaghan. No one can love like Meaghan could. I finally walked into the room that held her open casket. She looked so...I cant even describe it. Sad isnt the word, but neither is content. Somewhere in the middle.Like she had a secret that she couldn't tell anyone. And she never got to do so many things...But she's living out her dreams in Heaven right now. I know she is.


"So put on your best boys, and I'll wear my pearls.
What I never did is done."
I can't write anymore tonight. Tomorrow, I'll post about Friday. Its the longest, and will take the most effort.