Have you ever been surrounded by people, and felt more alone than you are when you’re by yourself? Yeah, that’s me.
I personally find it unbelievably difficult to infiltrate big groups. You know, that group of people you envy for their close friendship? The group of about 10 or so with their inside jokes and memories that they talk about all the time? You covet everything about them and what they have. Sometimes they include you, sometimes they don’t. And when they do, you’re still on the wrong side of the glass.
And then there’s that moment. When they ask you, just you, to join them. You feel on top of the world, until you realize that it was a one time thing. That its over almost as quick as it starts. But then its just that. Over. And you wish it had never happened, that you had never went, because now it hurts even more that it did before that moment.
But you can’t forget it, you cannot let go. Your head is full of so many “If Only’s” that you think its about to explode. Nothing can be wiped from your memory. Every mistake you made, every awkward silence you caused, everything you didn’t understand and inquired about, just to be told its an inside joke. And you feel even more stupid the more you think about it. But you cant stop thinking about it. Its forever burned into your brain. Destined to be gone over and over and over until you die a little on the inside every time you think about it.
And then of course you become so depressed and upset that you want to do just that. Die.
But then, you think about that other group. The one you’re in. The one full of people who love you for you. That amazing one you love. That always includes you, and you always include them.
The one that helps you make it through the night alive.
I loved that group.
At least, I used to. Back when it existed. Now its gone.
And now, I really wish I was too.
I personally find it unbelievably difficult to infiltrate big groups. You know, that group of people you envy for their close friendship? The group of about 10 or so with their inside jokes and memories that they talk about all the time? You covet everything about them and what they have. Sometimes they include you, sometimes they don’t. And when they do, you’re still on the wrong side of the glass.
But you can’t forget it, you cannot let go. Your head is full of so many “If Only’s” that you think its about to explode. Nothing can be wiped from your memory. Every mistake you made, every awkward silence you caused, everything you didn’t understand and inquired about, just to be told its an inside joke. And you feel even more stupid the more you think about it. But you cant stop thinking about it. Its forever burned into your brain. Destined to be gone over and over and over until you die a little on the inside every time you think about it.
And then of course you become so depressed and upset that you want to do just that. Die.
But then, you think about that other group. The one you’re in. The one full of people who love you for you. That amazing one you love. That always includes you, and you always include them.
The one that helps you make it through the night alive.
I loved that group.
At least, I used to. Back when it existed. Now its gone.
And now, I really wish I was too.
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